


A Difficult Phone Call

by vignetting



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One Shot, Phone Calls, they love and miss each other a lot okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-19 22:15:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15519777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vignetting/pseuds/vignetting
Summary: During the time that Victor is in St. Petersburg and Yuuri is in Hasetsu after the Grand Prix, Victor comes to fully realize how depressed he is, driving him to make a very difficult decision. He finally decides to tell Yuuri about it.





	A Difficult Phone Call

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be part of something a lot longer but I don't know if I'll ever actually write it so... here's this.

“Yuuri—hi,” he said, shoulders automatically relaxing a little.

“Hi Victor! Sorry we kept missing each other, it’s been a busy couple days for me.”

“Mmm,” Victor replied quietly. “It’s alright.”

Yuuri hummed, and there were a few beats of silence. Victor’s throat felt tighter than usual.

“I’ve missed your voice,” Yuuri said. Victor could hear his smile.

“Mmm. Me too, love. Not quite the same as in person though.”

“No,” Yuuri agreed. “But it’s still lovely.”

Victor's heart warmed from his response, but a second later, he felt even more empty than before.

“So, what’s been going on? Training been going well?”

“Well, what’s been going on with you? You’ve been at Minako’s practicing a lot, yes?”

“Yeah, I have! Like I said, I was at her place for...I think 10 hours straight the other day.”

“Wow. I hope you took a couple food breaks.”

Yuuri laughed. “We did, don’t worry. And yes, it was all healthy so don’t accuse me of sneaking katsudon into my diet.”

Victor had to chuckle at this. “I trust you. And how was your father’s birthday celebration?”

Yuuri hesitated and laughed awkwardly. “It was...good.”

“Sounds convincing.”

“No, no it was! Just—my dad got a little crazy drunk as you can imagine. So did the rest of my family, and of course, Minako. And yes my mom did paint a huge face on my dad’s stomach and he started using it as a ventriloquist dummy. Again.”

Victor smirked. “I’d love to see that in person.”

“No...you really don’t.”

“Are you kidding me? I’d love to get drunk with your family.”

Yuuri chuckled awkwardly. “Well...I can’t imagine it’d be long before that happens.”

“Yeah...except it seems I’m stuck in St. Petersburg for a while.”

“Mmm.” He was quieter at that comment, seeming to note Victor’s tone. “Um. Well so how has training been? Yakov working you to the bone?”

Victor would have trouble skirting around the question a second time, so he took a steadying breath and proceeded. “Um. It’s okay. Yakov is giving me a lot of freedom. He’s been leaving me alone sort of.”

“Oh. So how are your programs coming along?”

“Um. Fine.”

“Fine? Are you ready for Europeans next month?”

“Um...” He couldn’t bring himself to answer. His whole body started to stiffen and he felt himself grow hot. His ears were on fire.

“Victor...” came Yuuri’s voice quietly. “Is something wrong?”

Victor took a breath, pressing his lips together and closing his eyes, preparing for the worst. “Actually Yuuri...there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

Yuuri was quiet, but Victor didn’t elaborate. “What is it?” Yuuri eventually prompted. His voice sounded laced with worry and Victor suddenly felt guilty.

“I...I’m...” His voice felt foreign and far away. He took another breath and looked down at his knees, which looked swimmy and blurry somehow. Swallowing thickly, bracing himself, he proceeded. “I’m thinking about dropping out of the competition.”

“ _What?_ ” Yuuri practically yelled. “What are you talking about?”

Victor was quick to note Yuuri's heightened anxiety and hoped to god he wouldn’t have a panic attack. He really wished now more than ever that they were together.

“Yeah, I...” He started fidgeting with the seams of his jeans. He’s never felt this nervous in his life. “I don’t...think I want to do it anymore.”

“ _What? Why?!_ You said—we said—no, I said we would compete together—a-and you would be my coach and I would support you and...you’d make your return to the ice, where you belong—”

“I don’t belong on the ice,” Victor cut in sharply.

“Wh...what do you mean? I saw you at the Grand Prix, you were looking at the skaters like...like that’s where you wanted to be. And then we talked and I...almost broke up with you because I knew that’s where you wanted to be—I _knew_ —”

“Listen I thought—” Victor interrupted loudly. He took a breath, and proceeded in a quieter tone. “I thought that’s what I wanted. But I’m starting to think that I was wrong.”

“Victor—you’re talking nonsense—”

“No I don’t think—”

“You love skating.”

Victor took a breath. “I do. But—”

“But _what_ , Victor? What could possibly—”

“I’m really sad, Yuuri.”

His voice seemed to echo off the walls of his small apartment, the ringing going through his ears and seeping into his skin. It felt like poison.

Silence filled their conversation. Every second that went by, Victor felt worse. But he knew he needed to say it. To address it. Not only to Yuuri but to himself.

“You feel...sad?” Yuuri quietly replied.

“Yes.”

More silence. Victor felt as if his entire throat was filled with cotton balls. Or maybe rocks.

“Sad…sad how?” Yuuri asked weakly. Victor hated the sound of his voice. Broken and quiet. Though he could only imagine what his sounded like.

“There’s…there’s a lot of things, I guess.” Victor sighed. “I really, really miss you.” Tears finally leaked from the corners of his eyes.

Yuuri let out a breath. “I miss you too, Victor. So much. But we have to stay strong, it’s just one more month and then I’ll be—”

“I know, Yuuri, I know all this. But I can’t be strong right now. I’ve tried, I’ve tried so hard. Every day without you feels like an eternity.”

Yuuri hesitated. “I know it’s hard. I know. But time does eventually pass Victor, and I don’t want you to throw away your career because we’ve spent a couple months apart.”

“No, it’s…you don’t understand, Yuuri.” Victor took a long, steadying breath, though it didn’t help much. “When...when I was coaching you in Hasetsu, it was the happiest I’ve been in a long, long time. The happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Before you, I didn’t really realize that as I got more and more sucked into my career I started neglecting everything else in my life—friends, experiences…even my own emotions. I was alone and empty. All I had was the ice. I just had to…to keep surprising people, to keep people interested in me. It felt so superficial and unhealthy, and yet, it was the only way I knew how to get people to care about me. And now that I’m getting older and my body isn’t what it used to be and I have no more tricks up my sleeve…no one will care. People are so excited for my return and I’m just going to disappoint everyone. Yakov—for god’s sake, Yakov has barely even looked at me since I came back. Every time I flub a jump it’s like I’ve deeply disappointed him. He probably doesn’t even want me here. I just…I feel like how I felt before I met you, but much worse. It’s like now that I know what love and happiness is…now…now I know for sure what sadness is. And it’s…awful. I’ve been trying to brush it off, stay strong for you, and I feel like I just can’t anymore. My place isn’t on the ice. My place is with you.”

Silence flooded the room again. Finally Victor felt some of the anxiety leave his bones. He had kept all of this to himself, trying to ignore his feelings like he always had. It felt good to actually live and breathe the truth. Despite this, it didn’t make the silence less long and deafening.

After a minute or two, Yuuri eventually spoke, in one of the smallest voices Victor had ever heard him use.

“Why…why didn’t you tell me this? Any of this?”

Almost immediately, guilt flooded his chest once more. Yuuri was the only thing that mattered and he couldn’t even be good to him.

“I’m…I’m sorry. Really I am. I just…I was trying to push past everything…and I didn’t want to worry you since you have Four Continents coming up. I just…couldn’t ignore it anymore.”

Yuuri let out a long sigh. Victor stared at his knees again. He barely even realized they were trembling.

“I want to see you,” said Yuuri quietly.

Victor’s heart broke at the sound of his sadness. “I want to see you,” Victor echoed.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize any of this. I should have been paying more attention to you. I just thought—”

“Yuuri, no. It’s my fault.”

“Nothing’s your fault.”

“Well nothing’s your fault.”

Yuuri sighed again. There was a long pause. Victor leaned over, burying his face in his left hand.

“I’m going to get on the next flight to Russia. Please just…stay strong until then.”

“What?” Victor started, jerking his head up. “No Yuuri, please, you don’t have to do that for me—”

“Victor don’t be ridiculous, okay? I need to see you. Talk to you. If you’re going to make this kind of decision I want to make sure you’re not doing anything impulsively. We’ll talk it all out together and choose the best option.”

Victor’s eyes started to water again and his throat tightened. “You’re so good to me,” he choked out.

“Victor, Victor, shh,” Yuuri soothed. “I love you. It’s okay. There’s…there’s an open seat on a flight tomorrow at 6AM. It’s…11 hours, so with the time difference I’d arrive at uh…11AM. Wow, that’s it? Yeah…11AM. Is that okay?”

“Okay.” Every word felt like a ghost escaping through his mouth.

“Should I reserve a car or will you pick me up?”

“I’ll pick you up. Just…send me the flight details.”

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow Victor.”

“…You’re everything to me, Yuuri,” he said in a quiet, trembling voice.

“You’re everything to me.”

“This isn’t the way I wanted you to arrive to St. Petersburg for the first time,” Victor said with a humorless chuckle. “I wanted to show you around…take you to the rink…make you feel at home in my apartment.” That last part made his heart feel heavy. He sniffed quietly, rubbing the tears from his eyes.

Yuuri hummed. “I know. But it’s okay.”

Victor hummed in response.

“I’m going to get to sleep early so I don’t sleep through my alarm, alright?”

“Alright.”

“I love you. I’ll see you soon.”

“I can’t wait to see you,” Victor said quietly.

“Same here. It’ll be okay.”

Victor exhaled. “Okay.”

“I promise,” said Yuuri warmly. “I’ll stay by your side through everything.”

“I appreciate it so much.”

“Mmm. Goodnight.”

“Sleep well.”

**Author's Note:**

> ...I think Yuuri convinces him to keep competing :)


End file.
